I woke this morning with tears in my eyes. Literal tears. Every muscle was clenched. My subconscious knows just how to freak me out.
This usually happens when I fall back to sleep when I meant to get up early. My mind decides to play Friday the 13th until I run screaming down the stairs to the kitchen to make coffee. It started off tame, Kimberly Kincaid, Robin Covington, and Avery Flynn were sleeping over, and I went to bed without making sure they had pillows and adequate blankets. Oh the horror of being a bad hostess! Then I was in a shopping mall and I didn’t know it was closing. They started turning off the lights and locking the doors, and I was miles from my car. A strange man wanted to help me. Stranger danger! Then I was at a party, and I was inappropriately dressed in a hand-knit sweater, an 80s miniskirt, black tights, and…gladiator sandals? The guest of honor was someone I had wronged half my life ago, and there was no forgiveness in her gaze. Shame is the worst. But I was still locked in sleep, so my subconscious pulled out the big guns: no idea where I was in the world, phone dead, snow and ice everywhere, forced to trust strange men. I was also talking with pizza in my mouth because the men had a food truck. I was a stranger in a strange land, lost to everyone and everything I’d ever known…
I’m up! I’m up! I’m up!
God save me from myself. I know just which buttons to push. Trust, safety, shame, and making bad choices that lead to ruin. I know where all the seeds of those odd anxieties came from. That friend I betrayed so long ago just got an amazing online write-up. Even my yoga pants have holes in them. I need to find a freelance editor for my passion project. I sneaked up to the bedroom to eat an ice cream bar last night because I didn’t want the kids to know and want one too. GUILTY! (Although I went to bed reading BIG MAGIC by Elizabeth Gilbert, so you’d think my brain would be full of positivity, not shame, guilt, and doubt!)
Sadly, my brain doesn’t really run toward positivity. But I’ve been so much better lately.
Still…it’s interesting to know what lies under my surface, even if I woke up terrified. I got a good look at the things I’m hiding. Some of that stuff needs to go. Obviously if I haven’t forgiven myself for the stupid things I did twenty years ago, even though it’s likely I’m the only one still hurting, I need to LET IT GO.
The rest of it though? Right ON. I need new pants. I need to get moving on not just writing my passion project but figuring out how to bring it into the world. I need to upgrade my phone because it goes dead all the time, and that’s not safe. And hell yes, I’m afraid of getting lost. In the world. In my work. In my emotions. Not knowing which way to go is the WORST. But I’m not asleep and powerless. I’m in charge of the route, and I know my fears. They aren’t new. But I’m not going to let them keep me down. Nope, I’m going to harness them and ride. Giddy. Up. Ride, rainbow pegasus unicorn, riiiiiiiide!
OH! Another thing in the “right on” category? Kimberly, Robin, Avery…PAJAMA PARTY???? I PROMISE I’ll supply the pillows and blankets!
What lies under your surface? Do your nightmares offer you insight into the fears you hide? What’s the last thing that woke YOU up in a cold sweat?