I’m not doing nano this year because (many reasons) but I get the pep talks in my inbox, and, MAN, they are great. Anne Lamott telling me I must begin writing, “As is,” and not wait for the “right” time…or the right ME. Maurene Goo reminding me that I must have follow through. That “No one creates art half-heartedly. Even when they pretend to. Because writing is really hard. And only the tough survive.”
Why is it so hard FOR ME?
It might be that ANY activity I desperately want to do would become difficult because I like to feel like a failure. I never feel like my efforts are good enough. I deny myself success, or, at least, ENJOYING success, even though on paper I’m doing great. Healthy, happy family. Employed. Paying the bills. But I never FEEL like a success.
My counselor asked me last week: What do you think you have to be?
I stared at her blankly.
Perfect. Invulnerable. Infallible. Beautiful. Funny. Thin. Strong. Right. All the time.
*cue hysterical laughter*
If I believe that bullshit, I AM my own worst enemy. And maybe you are, too.
At least, that was the direction I was planning to take with this blog until I drove my middle kid to jazz band this early morning. As I drove and wrote in my head, I realized that I was BLAMING MYSELF for not feeling successful. I was putting MYSELY DOWN for feeling down. Why on earth would I do that? I tell my girls at work every single time I hear them putting themselves down that there are enough things and people in life who will make you feel low, so don’t do it to yourself, at least not where I can hear you.
I am NOT my own worst enemy. I am my biggest supporter. My biggest fan. And you should be your biggest supporter and fan, too. We are enough. BELIEVE it. FEEL it. Now the work begins.
AS IS.
Amanda Usen 