Depressed and Anxious, but Killing It!

Hi guys, I can’t believe I haven’t posted since June, but I kind of can because I’ve been slowly losing my shit over a period of months. Maybe a year. Maybe more because it takes me a long time to admit I can’t do something. To admit I need help. To rest in my mess because I am performing my job with tears rolling down my face, and even *I* can’t pretend that is normal!

It’s not necessary to feel the way I’m feeling even with good reasons. I have good reasons. My father is dying, my job is uber-stressful, it’s time to find a college for my oldest, I’m not writing, the cat keeps peeing in the house…the list goes on. And on.

And yet – I’m performing at a high level. My to-do lists are epic, and I am crossing off stuff that’s been on them for months! I assume it’s because I feel overwhelmed, and that’s a good way to assert some power in my life?

This is not a cry for help, my people. I know how to get help. In fact, all the while I’ve been sinking I KNEW I could get 6 FREE counseling sessions through the EAP program at work, and I called yesterday. You’d think that making that call would have been the hardest thing to do.

Nope.

Getting my ass to the gym for the first step aerobics class I’ve taken in 20 years was the hardest thing I did yesterday. So hard. Even though my primary told me last year that doing cardio would help with my fatigue. Even though my chiro poked me in my butt cheeks and told me I was losing muscle mass. Even though my creatinine levels came back low, which can be another indicator of losing muscle mass. Putting down my book and getting off my bed and really and truly taking a “step” toward rebuilding my physical health was more difficult than taking a step toward rebuilding my mental health.

Go figure.

Anyway! A huge fist bump to all of you out there taking care of your heads, hearts, and bodies. It isn’t easy to take care of your family AND your SELF. At least, it isn’t easy for me. I’m hoping the counselor has some insight into how I can sustain a healthier, happier me. I’ll let you know! Meanwhile, I’m going to attempt to focus on the positive while I mend. Hence the image of the homegrown tomatoes sitting on my counter. HAPPINESS! Any tips for sustaining joy, my people? What’s keeping you sane and chipper these days? 🙂

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